A Bigger Boat

Sorry, I haven't posted in awhile. I will try to post a small tidbit as often as I remember since I see many, many asinine things in this world.

The thing today that made me chuckle is that I received a letter from LASIK Plus offering me a job. They were offering sales positions for individuals, who had successful surgeries, to talk about their experience.

The funny part was the pay. Well, the pay wasn't bad all things considered, but it was bad when you considered the cost of the surgery.

My surgery cost $4100. The pay was was $10.50 an hour. It would take me approximately 390 hours, or 23,400 minutes selling their product (I sound like Parade magazine when they analyze people's salaries, i.e. Alex Rodriguez makes $150,000 per inning) to pay off a surgery that lasted 7 minutes. They want me to go shows and conventions for 390 hours to pay off my surgery. Fortunately, I'm not as dumb as my eyesight used to be.

I "Googled" maps the other day on Google and Google maps was the 3rd hit that showed up (Mapquest and Yahoo were 1 and 2). I'm rethinking my idea of purchasing stock in Google.

I was digging through my old cds today and I found a Mark Eitzel cd. Yeah, I know, you don't know who he is. I wish I didn't too.

My weekend was good. I took my girlfriend, megan, to an italian restaurant in Akron (http://www.vaccarostrattoria.com). No idea how to link anything. It was funny because I didn't know what some of the stuff on the menu was so I would ask the waitress was it was and she would repeat it word for word what I had just said. So, I asked her what "Braised Escarole with Guanciale" was and she repeated it and then said, you must be a meat and potatoes guy, don't get that.

Saturday, megan and I went to Beachwood Place, the best mall in Ohio, as tabbed by megan. I bought zero items. So far online shopping for christmas is beating mall shopping by an 11-0 margin.

Then, we went to Barry Spurlock's christmas party. My favorite part was hanging with Sicky. He got too drunk really early and then no one could find him. Some chick got overly drunk at the party. She was speaking some language only weibiso could understand.

After that we went and saw U2 downtown Cleveland at the Quicken Loan Arena. My buddy burkeman (no idea how to link to his website) thinks they are boring. They put on a good show, it was just weird everytime Lebron James would dunk over Bono's head.

Good evening. It's been awhile since i've updated my livejournal. I apologize to my 3 loyal fans. I'm not sure what drives people to my LJ, the content or the design? Either way, here's what's been going on in my head as of late.

Amazon.com is recommending law school books to me. Good job Jeff Bezo.

Also, I've been looking at gift guides on all these different websites and first of all I think they all are scams. For example, Victoria's Secret's gifts for woman are all the shit that woman won't buy and victorias secret has got piles of inventory that they can't move. I ain't fucking stupid. And, even if I am, I know that no girl wants a santa outfit----unless it has diamonds coming out of the beard. But, I was looking at another "gift guide" for your sweetheart and one of the gifts was a subscription to "modern bride". This is stupid for two reasons. Because, if you buy your chick modern bride and you don't want to get married you are fucked. Second, if you buy your chick modern bride, and this is your way of dropping a hint, you are as romantic as a giant turd.

Speaking of weddings, I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and I had to fly because the wedding was in Sarasota. So, I got all my stuff ready to go for the trip. I grabbed my suitcase and all my personal belongings and I then I grabbed my suit. I went to pack my suit and I realized that I didn't have a garment bag, because I've always borrowed one from other people when I needed one in the past. It then hit me. A suitcase can carry anything in the world that it needs to carry when you travel, except the very thing that it purports to carry.

I received free internetee at 3 different spots today and I wouldn't call them hot spots either. First, at the Quality Inn where I had a seminar. Second, at Jiffy Lube while 3 "mechanics" changed my oil. Finally, at my apartment where I do nightly system checks on my neighbor's routers to make sure they are still providing wireless connections to their family network cards.

I went to Wendy's the other day and my bill was $6.22. I know, i'm a fatass. Anyway, I handed the guy a $20 dollar bill. He handed me back $6.22. I ain't no Einstein, and I only use gorilla math when i explain to my girlfriend my gambling losses, so this didn't really seem right. I was like, uh, I handed you a $20.00 and my bill was $6.22, but you gave me back $6.22. He looked at his register and started cussing, shit, fuck, shit. I thought, oh, this guy can't get his register open. The funny part is, the register was open. So, I had no idea what this guy was doing. He stood there perplexed all the while cussing, shit, fuck, shit--so I finally said, it's $13.78. He said, oh, ok, thanks. Handed me my money. I'm guessing his favorite class growing up was recess.

I walked into the public bathroom at work the other day and some dude had taken his cell phone, wallet and keys out of his pocket and set them on the bathroom sink to take a piss. I really have no clue as to why this dude did this. But, I was thinking, when you're pissing, that should be the one moment where room is not at a premium in your pants. So, using this logic, the only time his keys, wallet and cell phone should be in his pockets is when he's pissing.

I was at the drive-up window at Wendy's the other day and they have a sign on their window that says, not a direct quote, "for security reasons, we don't accept walk-ups". All I know, if I ever decide to rob a Wendy's, I'll feel my chances of escaping are a lot higher if I'm in a car as opposed to on foot.

It's been over a month since I updated my blog. I think I need to start a fake celebrity blog because I would have a lot more funny things to say. I do have a lot of random thoughts in my head that I really need to put into my blog. I just always forget them. Here is one thought I was thinking about the other day. Why does Microsoft Word ask you if you want to save your changes if all you've done since your last save was hit print. I never can understand this. I'll update much more from now on.

Guy tip #2: Don't put some dude's collar down at the bar. Could result in an ass beating. My girlfriend wasn't really all that impressed either.

In a stirring turn of events, the lead pipe man again showcases his remarkable ability of locating people.

I moved from my Hyde Park apartment a month ago. I moved to an undisclosed location, never hired movers and never notified the post office. I then moved to Akron, thinking he would never track me to a town like Akron. After all of this, I came back to Cincinnati for a visit and was securely locked in my friend's apartment. I woke up this morning and realized, through all my moving, the lead pipe man still knew my whereabouts. He wacked me pretty good. Fortunately, after 80 ounces of water, 6 ibuprofin and 1.5 hour nap, symptoms of the lead pipe man's visit are beginning to wear off.

Guy tip #1: If your girlfriend asks you take out the cat litter, I advise you not to say her, "they're your cats."

When will people realize that lose and loose are different words.

Loose is a what a slut is.

And if you married her, you lose.

Since my life was so pitifully boring for the past couple of weeks while I was studying for the Bar Exam, I thought I'd update my journal with my trip to Nashville on Saturday, July 30th.

I set out on the road as the third wheel in car with two friends of mine, Alison and Mike. Some people think that being the third wheel is awkward, but I believe it's quite the opposite. When you're the third wheel, you basically have no responsibilities whatsoever. It's also quite enjoyable to watch a couple refrain from getting into a disagreement merely because of your presence.

Anyway, we made the short trip from Cincinnati to Nashville, which is only about 4 hours. We arrived at the hotel and we went up to our room. Our room looked into the Vanderbilt football stadium, which I guess is pretty cool. I was surprised that they even had bleachers. As my one buddy, Dan Smith, said, "the scoreboard already had 14 for the visitor." He repeated this about 50 times that weekend, as he got more and more drunk.

I was at the hotel for 5 minutes and I started getting itchy. I wanted to go the bar. We headed down the main strip to where all the bars are in Nashville. We went into this place called Baileys and met up with my law school buddies: neil, dan, egan, and goose. The place was empty and we soon made it even emptier. We strolled up the street to The Stage. I was immediately in love with the Stage because they had live country music. We settled in towards the back of the bar and we all went up to get some beers from the bar. Someone said to me, "Javan, look at the waitress' shirt". The shirt read, "Where the hell is Akron." This was a funny shirt to be seen in Nashville no doubt. For me, there was even greater meaning, because I was/am in the process of possible getting a job in Akron. I don't know if this was a sign or what.

We drank a couple of beers and I was starting to get a bit drunk. The music was really good and I didn't really have much desire to attend the wedding ceremony I was supposed to attend. Mike and Alison left, becuase that's what couples do and the rest of us stayed till about 6:00 p.m. drinking beer. The ceremony was at 6:30 p.m. at Vanderbilt and it was clear we were going to be late. We hustled back to the hotel, and we welked in all dressed in shorts and flip-flops and everyone that was going to the wedding was all dressed up in the lobby. They looked at us as if we had just marched in with strippers. We got ready really quickly and made it to the ceremony.

The ceremony was magical. Ok, whatever. We left the ceremony, when it was over, and headed over the Vanderbilt Club. If you've never been to Vanderbilt, the campus is about as nice of a campus as you'll ever see. We showed up at the Club and I got right in line for a beer.

Sorry, I'm bored and tired, so I'm going to bed. I will finish later.

Ok.

Well, I have a lot of updating to do, so bear with me over the next week or so as I update my livejournal with all the random thoughts in my head.

GAS PRICES. While this topic may be alarming for a lot of people, people that have expensive cars or I guess really shitty cars that need middle grade or premium grade gasoline should be pleasantly pleased with the latest gas hikes, at least compared to the low grade gasoline. Every year, the difference in cost between low-grade gasoline and premium gasoline becomes a smaller percentage more than low grade gasoline. Today in Cincinnati, gas prices were $2.49, $2.59, and $2.69. This means that middle grade gasoline is only 4% more than low grade gasoline. I found some prices of gasoline from a 2002 in Cincinnati and gasoline prices were 1.39, 1.49 and 1.59. In 2002, middle-grade gasoline was almost 8% more expensive than the low grade gasoline. In 3 years, middle grade gasoline has gone from being almost 8% more expensive to now only 4% more expensive than low grade gasoline. If you buy premium gasoline, you can't completely complain about gas prices.

APPLY WITHIN. I walked into Target the other day and they had a sign that said, "NOW HIRING, APPLY WITHIN". I really don't understand the "apply within" part. Did they think I was going to go down the street to meijer and say, "excuse me, but I'd like to apply for the job at Target".

FINALLY. I'd like someone to once and for all clarify the meaning when someone says Next Wednesday (or insert any day). For example, if it is Monday and I say to someone, I'll come over Next Friday. Do they think I mean, the next coming friday, or friday of next week. This problem seems to arise often in conversation and it seems to often confuse people. If it's saturday and I tell someone to come over next sunday, is that tomorrow or the next Sunday? Even I'm confused now.

many, many, many more thoughts to follow.

Welp. One day down. I don't know if that is good or bad at this point, because I'm not too terribly pleased with my first day performance. I am going to really need to pick it up over the next two days. Hopefully my life will become a lot more interesting once this damn bar exam is over.

Welp. This is my final night before I head to Columbus for the bar exam. I'm pretty much scared shitless. Not necessarily because I think the bar exam is that hard, but more because of what I don't know.

Current Vegas Odds: 1:1 (no, this has nothing to do with hooking up with a chick.)

Was just watching a FRIENDS episode...and i was thinking about the characters. Here are my favorite characters starting with my most favorite...

1.) Joey
2.) Old Chandler
3.) Rachel
4.) Phoebe
5.) Ross
6.) Old Monica
7.) New Chandler
8.) New Monica

3 days till the bar exam.

Well, it's not really an update, it's moreless just a couple of days have passed. I can't wait for the bar exam to be over so I can actually put interesting stuff on my LIVEJOURNAL. A friend of mine (my girlfriend) signed up for livejournal and after a couple of days she tried to switch to some blog site. I have no idea what the advantages of livejournal are, except the fact that I'm a free subscriber for it. I guess I wouldn't make a very good spokesperson for them. My testimonial would be some to the effect of "I love this site, because I have it".

Ya know, if I move out of Cincinnati, I've decided I'm not going to really miss Skyline Chili. I decided today that I don't like the cinnamon in their chili. I think it is a fatal flaw.

I may have to start recycling some of my old stories on here, which I don't really want to do. First of all, it'd no longer be a livejournal. Plus, I'd like to think my life is still interesting.

My livejournal sucks.

I'm still studying...and you suck

Popsicle stick joke: What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?

Not a whole lot going on here. Just ate a Big Mac. It tasted like poop. Seriously, every Big Mac I eat is worse than the previous one I ate. I guess maybe I should quit eating them.

I've got a wedding to go to this weekend in Versailles, OH. It is pronounced Ver Sales. Please do no ask me why.

The worst news of the day is that I have this freakin huge ass cold sore on my face. It's really ugly. I asked my girlfriend if it looked bad. She said, "not from far away."

Talked to this lawyer today who used to work at a big law firm. He said that when he was an associate, all he wanted to do was be a partner. When he was a partner, all he wanted to be was an associate. I guess working for a big firm doesn't sound all that much fun.

Popsicle joke punchline: Every dog. Buildings can't jump.

Sooner or later I'll actually post something of value, but probably not until the bar exam is over. I'm currently watching the All-Star game and the National League is losing as it does every year. Speaking of losing, I had a softball game tonight and we lost 8-6. I pitched 2 innings and sucked. Moreover, I went 0-3 to bring my season stats to 0 for 9 at the plate. Quite bad for slow pitch softball. My team, The Black Diamonds, is 0-3.

Just got Taco Bell. My Burrito Supreme was very far from Supreme, in fact, it was tiny. I guess they were probably doing me a favor.

Thought for the day: Does a girl really think you can't see her fatass when she puts one hand over her ass?

I feel bedraggled. Well, I had a basketball game tonight and I was awful. I had 4 points and 2 rebounds, both numbers severly below my career averages. It was depressing. I think I'm also bedraggled because the Bar Exam is in 14 days and I'm still way behind.

I've decided I don't like pets. They smell. They bother me when I eat and when I sleep. I'm unsure of their purpose.

Well, if this livejournal entry went on any longer, I would begin to bore myself. Instead, I'll just leave you bored.