A Bigger Boat

Sorry, I haven't posted in awhile. I will try to post a small tidbit as often as I remember since I see many, many asinine things in this world.

The thing today that made me chuckle is that I received a letter from LASIK Plus offering me a job. They were offering sales positions for individuals, who had successful surgeries, to talk about their experience.

The funny part was the pay. Well, the pay wasn't bad all things considered, but it was bad when you considered the cost of the surgery.

My surgery cost $4100. The pay was was $10.50 an hour. It would take me approximately 390 hours, or 23,400 minutes selling their product (I sound like Parade magazine when they analyze people's salaries, i.e. Alex Rodriguez makes $150,000 per inning) to pay off a surgery that lasted 7 minutes. They want me to go shows and conventions for 390 hours to pay off my surgery. Fortunately, I'm not as dumb as my eyesight used to be.

I "Googled" maps the other day on Google and Google maps was the 3rd hit that showed up (Mapquest and Yahoo were 1 and 2). I'm rethinking my idea of purchasing stock in Google.

I was digging through my old cds today and I found a Mark Eitzel cd. Yeah, I know, you don't know who he is. I wish I didn't too.

My weekend was good. I took my girlfriend, megan, to an italian restaurant in Akron (http://www.vaccarostrattoria.com). No idea how to link anything. It was funny because I didn't know what some of the stuff on the menu was so I would ask the waitress was it was and she would repeat it word for word what I had just said. So, I asked her what "Braised Escarole with Guanciale" was and she repeated it and then said, you must be a meat and potatoes guy, don't get that.

Saturday, megan and I went to Beachwood Place, the best mall in Ohio, as tabbed by megan. I bought zero items. So far online shopping for christmas is beating mall shopping by an 11-0 margin.

Then, we went to Barry Spurlock's christmas party. My favorite part was hanging with Sicky. He got too drunk really early and then no one could find him. Some chick got overly drunk at the party. She was speaking some language only weibiso could understand.

After that we went and saw U2 downtown Cleveland at the Quicken Loan Arena. My buddy burkeman (no idea how to link to his website) thinks they are boring. They put on a good show, it was just weird everytime Lebron James would dunk over Bono's head.

Good evening. It's been awhile since i've updated my livejournal. I apologize to my 3 loyal fans. I'm not sure what drives people to my LJ, the content or the design? Either way, here's what's been going on in my head as of late.

Amazon.com is recommending law school books to me. Good job Jeff Bezo.

Also, I've been looking at gift guides on all these different websites and first of all I think they all are scams. For example, Victoria's Secret's gifts for woman are all the shit that woman won't buy and victorias secret has got piles of inventory that they can't move. I ain't fucking stupid. And, even if I am, I know that no girl wants a santa outfit----unless it has diamonds coming out of the beard. But, I was looking at another "gift guide" for your sweetheart and one of the gifts was a subscription to "modern bride". This is stupid for two reasons. Because, if you buy your chick modern bride and you don't want to get married you are fucked. Second, if you buy your chick modern bride, and this is your way of dropping a hint, you are as romantic as a giant turd.

Speaking of weddings, I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and I had to fly because the wedding was in Sarasota. So, I got all my stuff ready to go for the trip. I grabbed my suitcase and all my personal belongings and I then I grabbed my suit. I went to pack my suit and I realized that I didn't have a garment bag, because I've always borrowed one from other people when I needed one in the past. It then hit me. A suitcase can carry anything in the world that it needs to carry when you travel, except the very thing that it purports to carry.

I received free internetee at 3 different spots today and I wouldn't call them hot spots either. First, at the Quality Inn where I had a seminar. Second, at Jiffy Lube while 3 "mechanics" changed my oil. Finally, at my apartment where I do nightly system checks on my neighbor's routers to make sure they are still providing wireless connections to their family network cards.

I went to Wendy's the other day and my bill was $6.22. I know, i'm a fatass. Anyway, I handed the guy a $20 dollar bill. He handed me back $6.22. I ain't no Einstein, and I only use gorilla math when i explain to my girlfriend my gambling losses, so this didn't really seem right. I was like, uh, I handed you a $20.00 and my bill was $6.22, but you gave me back $6.22. He looked at his register and started cussing, shit, fuck, shit. I thought, oh, this guy can't get his register open. The funny part is, the register was open. So, I had no idea what this guy was doing. He stood there perplexed all the while cussing, shit, fuck, shit--so I finally said, it's $13.78. He said, oh, ok, thanks. Handed me my money. I'm guessing his favorite class growing up was recess.

I walked into the public bathroom at work the other day and some dude had taken his cell phone, wallet and keys out of his pocket and set them on the bathroom sink to take a piss. I really have no clue as to why this dude did this. But, I was thinking, when you're pissing, that should be the one moment where room is not at a premium in your pants. So, using this logic, the only time his keys, wallet and cell phone should be in his pockets is when he's pissing.

I was at the drive-up window at Wendy's the other day and they have a sign on their window that says, not a direct quote, "for security reasons, we don't accept walk-ups". All I know, if I ever decide to rob a Wendy's, I'll feel my chances of escaping are a lot higher if I'm in a car as opposed to on foot.

It's been over a month since I updated my blog. I think I need to start a fake celebrity blog because I would have a lot more funny things to say. I do have a lot of random thoughts in my head that I really need to put into my blog. I just always forget them. Here is one thought I was thinking about the other day. Why does Microsoft Word ask you if you want to save your changes if all you've done since your last save was hit print. I never can understand this. I'll update much more from now on.

Guy tip #2: Don't put some dude's collar down at the bar. Could result in an ass beating. My girlfriend wasn't really all that impressed either.

In a stirring turn of events, the lead pipe man again showcases his remarkable ability of locating people.

I moved from my Hyde Park apartment a month ago. I moved to an undisclosed location, never hired movers and never notified the post office. I then moved to Akron, thinking he would never track me to a town like Akron. After all of this, I came back to Cincinnati for a visit and was securely locked in my friend's apartment. I woke up this morning and realized, through all my moving, the lead pipe man still knew my whereabouts. He wacked me pretty good. Fortunately, after 80 ounces of water, 6 ibuprofin and 1.5 hour nap, symptoms of the lead pipe man's visit are beginning to wear off.

Guy tip #1: If your girlfriend asks you take out the cat litter, I advise you not to say her, "they're your cats."

When will people realize that lose and loose are different words.

Loose is a what a slut is.

And if you married her, you lose.